Attention Grammar Police!

If you should find offenses to the English language in any of my articles please leave a comment and let me know so that I can obliterate it forever! Thanks!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Random Fish and Chips Dude is a Sparrow's Fart

I was thinking tonight as I let go of a few meals long forgotten in the porcelain portal we call "The Bathroom" that the time we spend "on the loo" should not be time wasted. Rather it should be embraced as an opportunity of endless potential.

I say "endless" but over the next... however long it takes... I've decided to come up with one hundred wholesome things you can do on the loo that will enhance your life and guarantee you unlimited happiness for at least 11 minutes at a time.

Here goes.

Things to do on the Loo Number One:

Learn to knit. In recent months I have learned the joys of knitting. Traditionally a sport for the female of the species I have discovered it to be complicated and intellectually stimulating, and have therefore concluded that a man must have invented it. After a while men became bored of this complicated and somewhat unnecessary procedure and opted for the easier method of killing something and wrapping its skin around himself for warmth while the females discovered that they could validate all the time they sat at home talking by saying, "But we were knitting something dear..." Of course this is completely sexist and has subsequently been removed from all history books in an effort to maintain social order and respect between the genders. In the meantime, I, a man no less, have discovered the lost art of making scarfs to wear around ones neck to protect it from the cold and/or flying scissors. But be warned, it is a time consuming craft and one has to fight to find the time to do such a thing. After all, girls can knit to their hearts content and still know whose dating who on their favourite soup opera while having a deep and meaningful conversation with Suzanne about nappies and chocolate. Men tried this centuries ago and ended up stabbing each other with needles in the neck, hence the scarf was invented. But I lean far to far from the point. Men need to be alone and out of ear shot so we can concentrate on the delicate manoeuvrings of weaving wool from one stick to another. And what better place to do it than on the lavatory. It has everything you need from a comfortable seat to the sweet silence of your feet on cold linoleum. One word of warning though, if you are knitting a scarf be careful not to let the end you've been knitting fall into the bowl, you may need to wash it afterwards, so save yourself the hassle and let it fall gently elswhere. Eventually you will acquire the skill to be able to knit your own toilet tissue and utilize it as you go. However it might pay to ask family members or other occupants if they intended on using the bathroom in the next 3 days before you attempt this as it may take you a while. If however you are a rich sod who has two bath rooms, then go for gold.

So if you're a regular on my exciting site and have been wondering where on earth I've been this week I can honestly tell you that I was not knitting toilet paper whilst trapped in the bathroom. Actually we had a small computer crisis and I lost Internet access for several days. At first I thought this would be worse than serenading Brian Adams "You know it true, everything I do, I do it for you" to a room full of New Labour MP's but it turned out to be only half as bad as I suddenly found I had a life outside of the World Wide Web. I remembered that I had legs all of a sudden and I could do things like kick the dog and stub my toe on door frames and it felt so wonderfully bad. Ok so I don't kick my dog but I did kick my little toe and it sent me into a fit of agonising philosophical questions about why the one thing more painful for a man than the obvious is when your little toe meets the corner of your bed post, a set of draws or the frame of a door... I would remove the thing if I wasn't so attached to it. Anyway, I realised I needed the net before I didn't have any toes left and also so I could ignore my dog licking his lips at the thought of my lying in a tasty bloody mess on the floor. Do dogs even have lips?

But I'm back on line. So there.

Then there was this cool Lego toy I saw today in a toy hire place. I saw the box set with "Indianna Jones" splayed across the packaging. I thought it was going to be something cool like a tomb or a grave or something Indiana Jonesish but what I saw was something way cooler - it was the "Indiana Jones and the bit in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the shirtless German guy gets his face sliced off by the aeroplane propellers" set. Seriously, it came complete with plastic pilot, a little two fingered Indy and a half naked bald German, except he still had his face. If my site ever actually starts making some money I have vowed to purchase that timeless toy so I can reenact the face grating scene again and again and again. I might even run over Indy just to alter the time line and prevent the Crystal Skull addition from ever seeing the light of day. In fact, if they could find a way to personify the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull into a small plastic Lego figurine then I could have it meet with aeroplane blades repeatedly. It would be the next biggest YouTube thing....

Speaking of YouTube, this is my video of the week. Its an ad for the coolest toy ever made (after the "Indiana Jones and the bit in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the shirtless German guy gets his face sliced off by the aeroplane propellers" set that is). I have no words for this except "Wow" and "I want one" and please support my site so I can actually make enough money to buy one of these!

Did I mention I really want one of these?

So in the week gone by I wrote hardly anything due to our Internet scandal. But I did write a weird piece on Dolphins and dish washing liquid and an invigorating review on the new Sam Raimi movie Drag me to Hell which I'm sure you will find delightfully controversial.

Hopefully after reading this you will be filled with inspiration and think something to the effect of, "Gee, I really like this blog site, I think I'm going to do one of the following!

1.Add me on facebook for updates
2.Add me on Twitter for updates
4.Become a follower on
5.If you like any of my reviews or blogs then please forward the link to your chums
6.Email me at with questions so I don’t run out of material
7.Email me your favourite self saucing pudding recipe because they’re my favourite...
If you don't feel inspired and you couldn't care less then do it anyway just because I said so, sound like a plan to you?



No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.