Attention Grammar Police!

If you should find offenses to the English language in any of my articles please leave a comment and let me know so that I can obliterate it forever! Thanks!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Canned Dolphin

I was meant to be writing a review about Drag Me to Hell but I’m just so tired I feel like my head might end up doing the typing and my blog will end up looking something like this:

EW” fE’p ;sea;’OJ AGS ‘ OIJ wpio ma erepo iu ‘ LJ ge’ oij G’ JPOg ess

If I did that a million times a second for the next billion years then maybe, like the chimpanzees typing Hamlet, we would end up with the best blog ever written, but by then my key board, after being caked in blood, brains and skull fragments, might become part of my coffee table and finally part of the floor; thus adding to the miracle that anything was typed at all, let alone the even bigger miracle that there will still be Microsoft software in a billion years. If it did work no one would notice, because they would all be at the theatre – watching Hamlet performed by Chimps. People always go for monkeys despite the greater things in the world. Imagine how many people today drink tea just because they saw a PG Tips ad and decided that from that day forth they would only drink tea during piano removal? It makes one wonder.

So I had a day off and spent a good portion of it sleeping in my car, thankfully while parked. I cleaned so many dishes that the Queen herself should knight me Sir Kerin of the Kitchen Sponge. But before I did that I went and bought some dish washing liquid, because without it those dishes weren’t going to let me anywhere near them. They only like to be prodded with a bristled brush as long as they’ve been soaped up good, then I can do what I want with them which usually involves drying them with a towel and locking them in a dark cupboard until the next time I feel like throwing food at them and we repeat the process all over again. What a miserable life being eaten from and scraped at and locked away... it amazes me that people will get upset over caged chickens but won’t give a second thought to their own dinner plates. At least the chickens get fed.

I suppose a dinner plate is dead... but how can a dead thing give me so much joy?

I’m so tired.

Anyway, I went to get us some dish washing liquid and remembered that I had heard on 104.5 or is it 105.4? I can never remember which, but it’s the station that plays all that old fuddy duddy stuff that when you listen to it really carefully you realized that the song writers in the olden days actually wrote songs that meant something... anyway, I was probably listening to Cliff Richard or Kenny Rogers or some other tragic geriatric when suddenly I heard an ad about this dish washing liquid that saves dolphins, its called Down to Earth, which is a good name for something that likes to get its slippery hands dirty... but yeah its designed to save the Maui Dolphin, a very rare breed found here in the good U.S. of Zealand... so rare in fact that the population is in the hundreds... sad really when you consider that Dolphins are the only other animal that does the procreation tango for fun, I guess they’re not watching enough Dr Phil, or maybe the problem is they are – since becoming a Dad I’ve seen enough of Dr Phil and Pope Oprah to make me want to decrease the human population to a few hundred starting with the two of them...

... but I go off the point I do...

So there’s this dish washing liquid that saves Dolphins somehow and I bought some to do my bit. I leaped into the cold New Zealand Sea and searched high and low for a Maui Dolphin and said, “Here bro, I bought you some dish washing liquid!” Then, reasoning that plastic was bad for the poor blighter, who also didn’t have hands to squeeze the bottle with, I emptied the contents into the ocean...

I was expecting a moment like in that movie Cacoon where the friendly mammal would applaud me with thankful clicks and Dolph-Angelic squeals and squeaks, or maybe it would start glowing like the sun, shed its skin and reveal its real immortal self in a shining moment of redemption as it received the magic dish washing liquid that could save its race from extinction forever. Instead, it convulsed and twitched a little, turned upside down and floated to the surface. I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching and because I believe in recycling I snuck it ashore knowing that while it may be the fish that John West rejects that makes John West the best; its also the fish that I get to take home for free.

What I learned from this encounter was that you can’t save a Dolphin with dish washing liquid but you can save it with money which is what Down to Earth promise to do if you buy their liquid. I don’t usually go for all this Save the Earth, Green is Good, Hippie, Church of Oprah and the false prophet Al Gore talk; but I like Dolphins so I just thought I would mention it.

This is clearly just fuller material which was supposed to allow me an early night but I realise in the time it took me to come up with something that resembles the rambling of a stoned Dolphin trying to type Shakespeare’s Hamlet while drowning a monkey; I could have just written that stupid review in the first place!

I’ll do it tomorrow! I promise.

DISCLAIMER: I didn’t really kill a dolphin; if I did it would be more exciting, involving a four wheel drive and a coffee mug. Dolphins are cool, without them we wouldn’t have the famous line “So long and thanks for all the fish” that Douglas Adams left us in his unforgettable series Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Neither would we have tuna labels that say “No Dolphins were harmed in the production of this can or its contents”. Without Dolphins we wouldn’t know that it is possible to kill a shark with your nose. You should try it sometime, it’s really neat. Without Dolphins Australia’s Sea World would run out of money and an entire generation of children wouldn’t know the theme song to “Flipper”. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live in that kind of world.

Anyway, if you hated this blog then I apologise for the irreverence and irrelevance. It was just all in good fun albeit bad taste. If you have taken me seriously then I suggest seeking counselling.

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