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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Dear Internet - Part One

Dear Internet,

Instead of a good old fashioned diary in which to pour my riveting daily happenings I've decided to blog them instead. That way, knowing that a potential audience is reading about my personal life I will be forced to embellish my mundane experiences and hyperbolate to the point that my life might seem interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I am very greatful for the things my life has been blessed with, after all I have a beautiful wife, kids and two cats that I hate (I mean I hate my cats, not my family!), but by blogging my days away things like brushing my teeth go from this:

"Dear diary, this morning I got up and brushed my teeth. I spat in the sink, cleaned my tooth brush and then remembered to have breakfast, only to brush my teeth again."

To this:

"Dear Internet, this morning I arose from the tomb of my bed where I had lain for 6 hours like a corpse awaiting the Last Trumpet. When I had come to terms with the miracle of still being alive after a night of being the closest thing to dead I will ever be... well, at least for the next 50-60 years... I proceeded to the bathroom where I spread fluoridated peppermint paste onto the hard plastic bristles of my two year old tooth brush and gradually scraped the encrusted cap of tartar that had taken over what used to be my teeth but now belonged to the laws of entropy and decay. It was somewhere between brush stroke number 26 on my bottom right set that the breakfast loving part of my brain woke up and said, "Hey Brain, what's going on... OH DAMN IT! YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH!" I then proceeded to eat an apple, which now tasted acrid and not unlike battery acid thanks to the taste enhancing qualities of Colgate."

See what I mean? That isn't how my day began today though.

Today I got up and made my kids Cocoa Pops for breakfast, and by "making them" I mean I poured them into their respective "Disney Princess" bowls and by "Cocoa Pops" I mean the cheap imitation brand that costs half is much and comes in a box half as big. I suddenly feel foolish for being cheated into buying the budget variety that would cost just is much as the real deal if it was twice as big.

I got my hopes up when my youngest told me that she didn't like Cocoa Pops. I thought that I was going to get a second (well, actually third) serving when she said she didn't want any... but then she tried them and my hopes of the crunchy chocolate milk shake shattered with every mouthful that she obviously enjoyed. Curse you Cocoa Pops, why are you so damn delicious?

The wife is still away and I have two more sleeps before she returns. The house looks like Cyclone Justin Bieber and Cyclone Miley Cyrus just twerked the bananas out of it. There seems to have been an inordinate amount of washing to do. I feel like that's all I've been doing the last several days. Laundry. Some people complain that aliens come at night and abduct them. My problem is much worse - aliens come at night and dump dirty laundry in my house and then implant memories into my brain so that when I wake up I actually think it's mine. They trick me into doing their laundry! As a result I hate aliens. Next time I see one I'm going to put it into the washing machine on a Heavy Duty cycle and we'll see how he likes it! Then I'm going to make a seriously insane Alien Autopsy video out of his tumbled alien corpse! That's for all the shirts that I remember wearing but don't belong to me you space-stick, not to mention the various unmentionable probes you performed on me whilst looking for your other sock! How many times do I have to tell you that you won't find your odd sock there!

But seriously back to the washing. When bad people die they do laundry. Think of the worst dead person you know who's dead. They're doing laundry. They're folding it too, and when they're done, they're doing it again. That's what my "holiday" has been like - laundry purgatory.

I took the girls to a birthday party today at Rainbow's End. There was no gold there, just a lot of rides that they didn't want to go on and lots of candy that they didn't want to not eat. Nevertheless we had a lot of fun and I got this cool picture of myself:

Man posing as Sir Prise Alot
The Dangerously Attractive and Harmfully Endearing Crusader Midget.

It's cool because I've always wanted to know what I'd look like as a midget Crusader with kissy lips and super big ears. It's also made me glad that I'm not one.

We came home after the party high on sugar and social anxiety. The cure for which is Star Wars and Chicken nuggets which I made for tea. When mum is away and it's Dad's turn to cook, things like chicken nuggets are an unfortunate truth that can't be untold. As a man whose wife has gone away for a few days I have tried to ensure that the kids get all the basic food groups which are chicken nuggets, chips and Star Wars. Gosh I hope she gets back soon.

Recently someone nominated me for this thing where I have to daily name three things that I am greatful for. I have to do this for 5 days but I think as long as I'm blogging I might as well make a habit of it here. So today I am greatful for the following:

1. I'm greatful for my midget Crusader photo. I now know that were I a smaller person than I am my man-hunk handsomeness would not in the slightest way be diminished. Instead I would be like the evolution of the cell phone which started off as a potential murder weapon but over the years became a thin hand held device capable of killing only your attention span. When sexy Crusader midget Kerin walks into the room every one's attention is slaughtered. Beware.

2. The second thing I am greatful for is that I have two glowing rods that I stick up my nose now to aid me in my fight against debilitating allergy snot AKA Hay Fever. My dear mother-in-law sent me something called a Sneezer Beam which stops, allegedly, the cells in my nose from producing histamines. I think it's working, though I can't be sure until I tie the cat to my face and try to breathe through it for a few days, and seeing as my cat doesn't like to be tied to my face I'll have to wait until the summer when the Pohutukawa tree next to my house decides to rain it's atomic pollen over my home the way it does every year. That tree is a right prat. In the mean time however, at least the Sneezer beam does this:

Man with glowing red nose from using Sneezer Beam
Fighting Hay Fever has never been this glowy.
I am greatful that as I used this whilst driving the other day I distracted another motorist so much so that he missed his green light. 

3. Finally I am greatful that I saw a kid jumping on a pogostick up my street yesterday. He was having so much fun bouncing away that if he smiled any more his face would have tore open. I have never seen such reckless and wild abandon as this boy displayed, as if he was saying in his heart for the whole world to imagine, "I know I look like a dork, but I don't care because I'm having fun". In fact this kid had broken the Dorky Scale to the point where the dial had crossed over into the "Awesome" Guage. Stuff whatever you think you know about finding true happiness, this kid had obviously found it and it was in the shape of pole with a spring on the end of it. While other kids where blowing things up on their xBoxes or ignoring their parents whilst Apping away on their iPads this awesome kids was bouncing away outside, his ears flopping away like a prized beagle. I laughed so hard I almost had an involuntary urinary extraction. I want to find that kid's pogostick and trade him my CRV for it.

It's late now and I should go to sleep before my forehead has a go at typing. Until next time dear internet.

P.S. If you're bored, check out my other blog at!

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