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Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Five Year Engagement - A Review

Have you ever watched Saw? You know the one about the psycho who puts people in a situation where they have one of two choices – either to die a horrible death or survive by committing a gruesome act?

Well, I chose to survive by committing a gruesome act. I watched The Five Year Engagement starring Jason Segal and Emily Blunt.

I have endured various methods of torture throughout this year. I have seen the dentist tray’s tools of extreme hurt take the shape of films like The Vow or The Lucky One. Heck, I’ve even offered a molar to the drug free root canal like pain of The Note Book, but this comedic chick flick (if it can be called comedic) was like rubbing the sleep out of my eyes with an electric sander.

This movie steals all the best bad descriptions I can think of. I experienced Arcane Boredom. It was Intensely Inane. A prescription of morphine might have made it less painful, but I doubt it.

Just look at the poster of the movie and you will see Jason and Emily’s characters sitting on a hotel bed looking like a pair of zombies watching sheep herding on the telly while eating cake. The poster depicts what you will look like while watching this film!

The story, in a nut shell, is about Tom and Violet, two lovebirds who decide to get married. Tom has a great job in San Francisco as a chef until Violet is offered a position at a University in Michigan. They decide to prolong their engagement so she can take up this fantastic opportunity, but alas in their new home Tom can’t find a career job, their roles are reversed and Tom spends the next five years making sacrifice after sacrifice for his beloved while waiting for a wedding that never comes.

Boring!

However it wasn’t just the story that made me semi-conscious, the pace of the movie was slow. Jason Segal played his role like a teenager who just got out of bed at 1 pm just so he could go to the bathroom. Emily Blunt was ok but her character was non-committal and frustrating. If she had of been my fiancé I would have dropped the ball after three years, not five, thus making Tom a very unbelievable character in my book.

I know you think that I am a typical guy slagging out a chick flick, you’re grimly mistaken. Ten minutes into the film I looked at my wife and I could tell by the boredom lines on her face, and by the fact that her expression resembled Emily Blunt’s listless gape in the poster, that she was enjoying it as little as I was. She even said as much. But we endured because we had nothing better to do, even though scrubbing the toilet would have been better I suppose. On the other hand I knew I was going to enjoy telling you all how much I loathed this pitiful puke of a “comedy”.

A lot of the Humor was uncomfortable. Tom had a friend, Alex, played by Chris Pratt, who frankly was a pratt. He was the kind of character who kept saying the wrong thing, usually disgusting, in the wrong social setting. He was meant to be funny. But he was actually sad. I know guys like him, they’re sad too. You don’t put them in movies.

Perhaps if you replaced Jason Segal with Steven Seagal the movie would have at least had the benefit of having someone kicked in the face, but otherwise the only deaths in the film were those of grandparents dying of natural causes!

My film reviews are usually longer than this but I’m not sure I can kill any more brain cells trying to recall the trauma induced by watching this movie.

I give it a 3 out of 10 because it turned my brain into porridge. Had I half my wits remaining, I would possibly consider giving it less….

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