William Shakespeare's Star Wars by Kerin Gedge - A Serious Parody and Tribute to George Lucas' Original Creation

A round about introduction:

Recently I applied for an acting related Job which I came very close to obtaining were it not for the fact that someone better than me had also applied. Oh well...


I actually got quite a way into the whole interview process before I was pleasantly rejected by the potential employer. I say pleasantly because it was the best rejection I've ever had to suffer, mainly because I did not suffer at all!


They told me the thing that attracted them to me the most was my cover letter. They had asked for a cover letter that was beyond the ordinary and said that boring/standard cover letters would immediately experience swift deletion.


I sat down to write my cover letter amidst great pain and sorrow, as is usually the case when I am trying to give birth to something without the seed of inspiration to impregnate my imagination.


But then it came. What if William Shakespeare wrote my cover letter? And so, with the help of much plagiarising from the first scene of Hamlet, the ultimate cover letter was born.


It had them in fits and stitches. So I am told.


Anyway, fast forward to the near present and my dashed hopes. I pondered what to do next. Then came the logical question:


What if Shakespeare wrote Star Wars?


Well, it seemed logical at the time. After all, if Trekkies can boast Hamlet in its "original" Klingon then why can't Star Wars have a scribble from the Elizabethan genius?


And so the seed was planted for William Shakespeare's Star Wars by Kerin Gedge. (That's me)


I would now like to invite you to the germination and eventual maturity of this project. Please understand this is a work in progress so you'll have to keep coming back to watch it grow like the flower it is.


On another note, this is intended to be a serious parody, while simultaneously a tribute to George Lucas' and his original creation. I would not seek to steal his work and call it my own. In fact, in the tradition of true Shakespeare it can be said that some of the Bard's stories were not actually original but rewrites of lesser evolved tales that already existed (not to say Star Wars is lesser evolved of course!) That said I'm not sure if the laws pertaining to copyright and parody will protect the epic verse that follows. Nevertheless it is my hope that fellow fans of the franchise will freely share this work among themselves and perform it in their homes to their children so that one of the greatest tales to come out of Hollywood in my generation will continue well into the centuries to come.


So with out further introduction I present to you:




William Shakespeare's Star Wars

by Kerin Gedge - a serious parody and tribute to George Lucas and his original creation.

　

Prologue

Narrator:  A long time ago indeed it was
                       in a galaxy so far away...

                       Civil war has stained the starry arm.
                       The noble Rebel ships of outer space
                       from their hidden base have struck and won
                       their first triumphant victory against
                       the evil Galactic Empire's stolid face.


                       Amidst the frightful battle of bold fire
                       the Empire's diagrams of death revealed
                       stolen by heroic spying hands
                       and with the Rebels safely now concealed.
                       Dire plans of potent dread it seems
                       spawned from Evil's shadow's darkest dreams
                       of an armored rock of planet bulk
                       with the clout to sprinkle worlds like salt.


                       Agents of the Empire sinister
                       now pursue the Princess Leia's race
                       in haste aboard her star craft to deliver
                       the plans of which would save her home and space
                       the plans with which to murder tyranny
                       the plans to render free the galaxy...

Enter Captain Antilles:






Antilles: Bound were we in flight to Aldoran
                   When down upon us fell the dark triangle,
                   An Imperial Cruiser tainted by the blood
                   Of a thousand fallen ships whose only crime
                   was to dream to live in democratic space…
                   And spewed upon us blades of emerald fire,
                   While our red sparks were weak as burning sticks
                   We like a rodent caught in the embrace
                   of a flying feline that swallowed us entire
                   And took us deep into the depths of death
                   It plucks now from us all our failing breath
                   Above the blistered Sphere of Tatooine
                   a world I never deemed to be my tomb…

Enter crewman

Crewman: Sir, we are boarded and undone


Antiles: Then our doom and death of hope have thus begun.



Exeunt. Enter C3P0 and R2D2 as various other crewmen run across the stage in arms. There is a loud rumble and the faint sounds of battle in the distance. For comical effect have the actor playing R2 read the lines as they are written and not try to sound like actual beeps, this will offset C3P0’s serious nature.


C3P0: Did you hear our vessels dying groan?
              They have plucked it’s heart from where it rests
              And now we wear destruction’s dangerous vest!


R2D2: Beep beep bip beeeeeeep bip beep.




C3P0: This is madness in its strongest hour!




More crewmen run across the stage in arms.



C3P0: Our doom is surely tightly set in iron
              and escape has thus escaped the sweet Princess






R2D2: Beep bip beeeep


A crunching noise can be heard which startles the two droids. More crewmen now enter and take defensive positions on stage. All characters look up and around as if something is happening over them.






C3P0: What in the impossibility
              of everything in space that is unseen
              could have consumed a vessel such as ours?
              Do I dare ask or do I dare find out?






An explosion is heard and storm troopers suddenly appear with guns blazing. There is a battle as the storm trooper advance and the crewmen fall back while C3P0 and R2D2 are caught up in the midst and yet completely ignored. For comedic effect have the actors make the lazer gun noises as they “fire” their weapons.




Most of the crewmen fall to their deaths while a small few flee off stage followed by the pursuing storm troopers. Exeunt C3P0 and R2D2.






Enter Darth Vadar, breathing heavily, with an entourage of Storm Troopers. He surveys the carnage with his fists planted firmly on his sides. Exeunt.




Enter R2D3 and Princess Leia.


R2D2: Beep beep beep beep.




Princess Leia bends over and inserts something into R2D2’s side.




Enter C3P0


C3P0: Oh R2, R2! Wherefore art though R2D2?




Exit Princess Leia.



C3P0: At last I find you here wretched machine
              for the sake of falling stars where have you been?
              Heading right for us those troopers come
              where can we flee if nowhere we can run?
              The mines of Kessel’s spice will be our home
              Or this ships demise to be our own.
              Who knows where us fate now thus is throwing?
              Wait a minute wherefore are you going?


R2D2: Beep beep beeeeeeep beep.


Enter Storm Trooper stage left with prisoners, including Captain Antiles and Darth Vadar Stage Right.

Storm Trooper: The designs of death Lord Vadar we desire
                                   on the Computer we cannot acquire.


Darth Vadar: Where are the transmissions you received?
                              What actions have you acted on our plans?



Antilles: Truly we intercepted nothing such
                    the purpose of this ship is consular
                    on a mission diplomatic in nature!

Darth Vadar: If indeed this ship be consular
                              Pray tell me where is the Ambassador?


Antilles dies.

This is still a work in progress, please return in a few weeks to see more! If you are a Star Wars fan please let me know if I get anything wrong, I haven't delved deeper into the Star Wars Universe than the movies!